Monday, January 26, 2015

5MM 1/25/15 Edition


The Obfuscation Episode

Outdoor games, All-star games, World Cup of Hockey. Anything to not have to talk about the Wild for a bit.

Monday, January 12, 2015

5MM 1/12/15 Edition


The Hindenburg episode.

Folks, it's bad. Really, really bad. And there just doesn't seem to be options for making it un-bad. Anyway, we break it down because that's what we do.

Stick tap to Dan Barreiro for the intro.

Monday, January 5, 2015

1/4/15 5MM The Let It Go Episode


Let it gooooo......let IT gooooooo........

That's our best advice, as discussed in this edition of the 5MM.

Friday, January 2, 2015

LDB 1-2-15 Leafs at Wild

Mason is in a suite at the game and can't keep an eye on me. But he does have to pick up the bottles and wipe up the puke.

Beer #0: No beer tonight. Whiskey and 7

Kessel vs Vanek.

Bernier with a couple big saves so far.

Is Kadri playing? We don't need that douchenozzle running any goalies tonight.

Ugh, can't let guys march in on your goalie like that.

Ice repair delay. Shouldn't there be some ice bimbos out there?

My happy fuck there are a lot of offsides early.

Not to jinx anything, but Kuemper doesn't look like shit yet.

Fuck. Clearly I jinxed it. There he goes and makes a couple decent saves.

I don't know who's fuglier: Gorg or Carlyle.

This fucking power play is fucking amazing at pointless passing. Jesus H. Fuck.

Kessel sure is a fat fucker. He looks like a perennial threat to win a hot dog eating contest.

Hey thanks XCel Energy, I've only seen this shitty ass commercial of yours four hundred thousand fucking times this season. When's the shitty Centurylink one going to be on with the creepy old broad smiling like she wants to eat babies coming on? (Yeah, I'm ending sentences with prepositions like a mother fucker tonight. Try and stop me.)

Wow. This is disturbing. Video and audio aren't synchronized. This would be worse if I was more drunk than I already am. (Did I mention I've had three refills already?) But it's OK because Jonas is sexy.

Oh, and now the Thin Ice dickwaffles are on. Does anyone enjoy watching these clownfuckers?

Period 2. Big question is whether they play defense like they're all trying to avoid an anal probing.

Gotta say I love Nino's "Fuck you" mean streak.

Toronto counter attacks well.

Jesus Shit. Bernier is playing like a lot of backup goalies do against the Wild. Which is to say, great.

Holy fuck. Dick move to shove a player from behind when another guy is bearing down the other way. But I shouldn't be surprised. Toronto usually play like a bunch of assholes here.

That holding call on Koivu was softer than Kessel's ballsack.

Good call on the no goal. Something tells me you can't grab the goalie and drag him out of the net. And Randy Carlyle can go fuck himself.

Wait. Who's wearing the Brodziak jersey tonight?

Nice to see Folin maybe got some of Nino's "Fuck you" tonight.

Looks like Coyle learned that hitting is allowed in the NHL.

Godmotherfuckingdammit sometimes you just need to shoot the damn puck.

By the way, Bernier's mask is creepy as shit. That or he's a furry, which is also creepy as shit.

My happy christ is Kuemper sexy tonight. (Why the fuck is this trying to autocorrect "sexy" to "sent"?)

This Nino - Haula - Coyle line is giving me a boner.

Wild lead after two. But you know what they say: The most dangerous lead in hockey is a Wild lead.

Period 3. Drink... 8?

Asshole move by Phaneuf, but is anyone surprised? No.

Well shit. 2 man advantage for the Leafs. And a goal. For 29 teams in the NHL, 5 on 3 is a good opportunity. Wanna guess which group of assholes it's not true of?

Speaking of assholes, don't like teams running Brodin.

Folin is looking sexy.

And Holy Shit! on that Spurgeon goal. Wow. What a rocket.

Swear to christ Brodziak has the weakest board play I've ever seen. If you're gonna drive a guy into the boards, do it like you've got a pair. (Unlike Kessel - too soon?)

PP for the Wild. Nice to see Suter get star treatment for once.

Koivu what? How the fuck does Koivu get a PPG? I thought that was illegal in 37 states?

4 on 4 but the fucking rubes at FSN can't be bothered to tell us why it's 4 on 4.

JVR bleeding.

By as my wife points out, there's still five minutes to lose.

Haha. Leafs lose their fucking minds when Scandella hit Kessel. Kessel whining like he only has one ball. Oh, wait.

Why do they say "Bozack" and I hear "Ballsack"?

Wild win, but it doesn't mean much if they lose tomorrow in Dallas.

And that concludes the SAMVOAMBLDBAEBM trilogy for this season. There might be another installment, but let's hope for everyone's sake that it's directed by JJ Abrams and not George Lucas.

Doubles and Stewy

Doubles got Paul Stewart on the horn and had a great convo.

Monday, December 29, 2014

12/28/14 5MM


Last week we were slightly miffed. This week we were downright cross. But, we eventually talked ourselves around to being resigned to our fate (mediocrity) this season, in favor of not making any rash changes to the team. Now we're the picture of Zen contentment. Not really.

Monday, December 22, 2014

5 MM 12/21/14


Man....same shit, different year. We have been over Vanek, the power play, yada yada yada. On this ep we focus on the goaltending. Mason, Mike and NiNY on the mics.

Monday, December 15, 2014

5MM 12/14/14


Last night Doubles, Mason and I went deep on the topic of: who is this Wild team? What do we know about them? Were the pre-season projections on the money? I'll admit, we went a little long. But it was worth it. Give it a listen.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

5MM 11/30/14


Doubles, Mason, and myself tonight. And it was the all-Scandella special episode!

Lotsa love for the big guy, and deservedly so.

Give 'er a listen!

Friday, November 28, 2014

Live Drunk Blog 11-28-14 Wild at Dallas

Beer numero uno: Summit Extra Pale Ale

Clymer on with the bimbo. Much better than Chorske.

Fun story. A buddy was at a Gophers game back in the day, and said out loud, "Man that Clymer is really a bust. So glad they spent so much time recruiting him. Clymer's mom and dad were right behind my friend and were not amused.

Good pressure early, and a dumb offensive zone penalty on Dallas, fucking asshole tried to go knee on knee. You can't tell me that was a coincidence that they tried to take out one of the Wild's hottest players.

Hey Brodin is back? That gives me a stiffy.

Wow, nice clear by Brodziak.

And, hey the Wild are winning the Corsi so far tonight.

Beer numero dos: New Belgium Tour de Fall Pale Ale. Hoppy for a pale ale.

(Why am I remembering "Hey Stiffler, how's the pale ale?")

Hey a Colorado beer is opened an Nino scores. Awesome.

Holy Cows!!

Oh, nice uncalled high stick to take out Brodziak.

Why is Spurgeon shooting the puck more than the forwards? I guess I should be happy someone has the stones to shoot it.

Nice to see Haula just take the shot and not pass up the opportunity.

Love Zucker's new two way game it's arousing me.

Hey Nino looks ready to give moustache rides.

Ugly 3 on 1. Ugh.

Beer tres: Summit Great Northern Porter. The quintessential Minnesota winter beer.

You know, I just can't look at Daryl Sydor without remembering him jumping gaily into Yeo's arms when the Wild beat the Avalanche.

Kuemper is looking good tonight.

Dallas played that odd man rush like a bunch of frat boys with a used condom.

Kuemper looks very cool tonight.

Dallas passed on a primo chance faster than Vanek would have.

Granny with a huge goal. That's how you pass your way to a goal. Thomas Vanek, please take notes.

Holy mother of fuck, Zucker is fast. It's making me...happy in a marital way.

Dallas arena is playing "Get Lucky" is that for the fans or the team?

Like, wow, Brodin makes sexy passes.

Oh, and Hemsky scores. Isn't he like 80 years old?

Vanek passes. That's like 2 in the pink, 1 in the stink. Shocker.

Goddammit. Another fucking Dallas goal. Time to lock this shit down. Hey, you ever notice how this and shit have the same letters, just in a different order?

Goddammit. Tie fucking game. Cole looks like a trogolodyte. Like, seriously, is he the missing link? Someone get his DNA.

Beer quart. Qua. Quarto. Fuck it. Beer four:New Glarus Spotted Cow. Smoooooth.

Intermission show. Clymer totally wants to bone the bimbo.

Hey its the DQ douchebag. Someone needs to kick this guy in the nuts. Hard.

We'll, that game refresh gave me flashbacks of the Rangers game.

Beer something: Summit Extra Pale Ale. Right back where we started. In a can.

Wow, I do not like Kuemper that far out of his net.

Benn with a moustache looks like that one uncle I was told never to be alone with. (yeah, I ended my sentence with a preposition. Fuck you.)

Wow, I would not have expected Haula to be in the middle of that.

Hey, Pommer took a shot. Lately he's been emulating his Buffalo compatriot.

Koivu took a shot too? This is a red letter day!

This just in, Eaves is a dick.

Beer 6? Another Summit Extra Pale Ale. In your can.

What the shit is this fuck. Nino tripped and Dallas scores the other way??! Well there's a load of shit.

Wow Yeo looks pissed. Time to answer.

Time to pull the goalie. But, uh, you need a shooter if you're gonna do this here.

Vanek scores! Wait. Vanek shoots! Vanek shoots?

I think Vanek shot because there was no one to pass to.

Dry scrape, wait, no dry scrape.

SCANDALOUS! Marco wraps this one up!

I have, like, three boners for this win. But first I have to go throw up.