Sunday, February 3, 2013

"Live" Drunk Blog: Hawks @ Wild, 1/30/13

Hello, all. Mason here, and welcome to my first offering here at Hitting the Post. I’d like to thank NiNY for allowing my special brand of awkwardness to grace his page. As the details of my life are quite inconsequential, I’ll launch right into some context regarding my the following piece of “writing.”

The night of the Hawks @ Wild, I had Castle Danger rehearsal, so naturally I was five-deep by the time I pressed play to watch the DVR’d game. Right away I wanted to text a good buddy of mine who’s a Hawks fan. It was getting late, however, and despite my drunken state I decided better of it. I didn’t want to forget my thought, though, because at the time it was funny (probably wasn’t). I opened up a wordpad-like app on my shitty phone and BOOM – "Live" Drunk Blog was born.

I wanted to keep notes on the whole game (or as long as I maintained consciousness) and then somehow send my buddy my captured, drunken thoughts. I decided too that it’d only be funny if I didn’t edit out any typos—of which there’d be plenty as, again, I was five-deep and using an ailing soft-button QWERT keyboard on a Z-hinge G2 HTC phone. I also decided not to fact check anything either until after finishing. For instance, I called Bryan Bickell “Stu Bickel” and accidentally (and sometimes purposefully) butchered every spelling of anyone’s name. Additionally I just made facts up. I’ll include a “Clarifications/Retractions/Apologies” section after the LDB.

Long story short, I ended up taking belligerent, (hopefully) entertaining notes for the entire game. I also got the idea of seeing if NiNY would be interested in housing this “article” since he’s asked me for content before. I can think of no better way of introducing myself to Hitting the Post than with this "Live" Drunk Blog.

I hope you enjoy!

Set Up: Wednesday, January 30th – Chicago Blackhawks @ Minnesota Wild (3-2 SO W for Wild). Before puckdrop, the Hawks had the best record in the league, 6-0, and the best start of a season in their history. The Wild were 2-2-1 after having barely beat the worst team on paper in the league, The Nashless Blue Jackets the previous night.


Opening stats for Hawks didn't do normal record; it just had a stat for Wins.

Boooo... Crawford in net.

Crawford looks like a Red Bull woodchuck. Harding looks like Nickelback.

Eddie has five hard-ons for Koivu. I have six.

Doc Emrick didn't fuck up the "Let's Plat Hockey" motto... this time.

If Brendan Saad ever tells a lame story in the locker room, I hope the other guys retort with, "Saad story, bro."

Seabrooko sounds like a brand of douche.

Speaking of douches, Piere McGuire.

Hawks have Ray Emery. Wild have Matt Cullen. I would've expected Ray Emery to score before Matt Cullen.


Sheldon Brookbank sounds like a Ducktales character.

Shaw 'nuff.

"We'd like to play an all-out-offense game against Chicago," said no Wild player ever. (typing that as Don't Toews Me Bro scored.)

Best Buy Robo Cam... how much more robotic can a CAMERA be?


PIere: "Are you surprised Oduya's on the ice against blah Fn blah.." Eddie: "ONOI'MNOT."

I hope Stu Bickel commits a spearing penalty tonight. 5 min major for a Bickel spear. Most delicious major ever.

The visual of bald Piere McGuire interviewing bald Mike Yeo is like like two penises hanging out ignoring how awkward small talk is betwqeen a couple of dicks.

Doc said "big drive"--take a drink.

Eddie hasn't gotten the meo that it's pronounced Pah-REE-zee.

[Oduya joke]

Pah-REE-zee is 2nd in the league in scoring. Just FYI. The rest of the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th lines along with the defense haven't realized the season has started.

Konopka did not just mouth "fuck you." No, he just mouthed "fudge--" OK he said fuck you.

Clutterbuck sounds like a Dollar Store line of discount chicken. 20-Cent could buy five Clutterbucks. (Is my Mankato math hodling up?)

The only person wussier than a guy named Frolixk is Granlund... and Bouchard... and Matt Cullen... but for the first time Granlund's wussiness paid off.



Hellva save by Crawferd.

Heeeeey Cullen completed a lplay without having to pick himself up off the ice unfortunately it was a shot dirextly into the logo of Chief Whatshishawk.



I hate the name Dougie Hamilton. Sounds like a figure skater. I'm also sick of my "sounds like..." jokes, but I fear at this point I'm incapable of anything more sofisticated. [Deliberate misspelling.]

I wish sometime going to an intermission report that sadly features that shoe-beating doosh Mike Milbury, that after Milbury says somethi g idiotic (happens a lot) that Keith Jones would just take off his shoe and place it gently on the counter.

"Koivu's quick release" lol 8I'm a grade schooler.

OK fuck this intermish report. FFWding to 2nd Period. Mental note: if a particlar period is epic, spell it like "periad," like Homer's 'Iliad.' ... Keith Jones just gently placed a shoe on my den's counter.

Cullen scored a goal. His trade value has never been higher. Trade the shit outta him NAOW.

Brodziak sounds like a tin of chew... for the ladies.


I haven't seen a deflection that nice since the last time my wife asked me who broke a wine glass and I blamed the cats

Piere said "verbal jousting./" take a drink.

It's cute but super lame that NBCSN thinks Wild v Hawks is a "rivalry."

Duncan Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill

No one cares about Ducktales Brookbank's brother who plays for the Icehogs, Doc.. fewer people care about the Icehogs.

I just remembered Bax is in net. Gonna need another beer.

I will never watch/kisten the GDMFn Dan Patrick radio television program.  GFYS.

Unpaused the game mid-Emericjk sentence: "...reaching in Koivu." First though: was the denfender Mark Fistric?

HOLY SHIT Eddie just said "Nice job by the Wild." Take a drink because He didn't follow it by some kneepad boner comment about how christ-like Don't Toews Me Bro is.

[Frolik joke]

Heeeeey, truck commercial. Take a drink. Heeeeeey, old people enjoying themselves because they're not worrying about thier credit car. Take a drink. Heeeeeey, robocam. Take a drink.

I'd like to take a moment to be serious and say that I honestly love Eddie Oldchick as a PBP Guy. I love that Doc and (usually) Pat Foley crack him up enough to chuckle softly to himselfODUYA?!?!

Heeeeey it's Torrey Mitchel's birthday. How bout that? I jist learned a Wild fact. I also just learned his first name. I also just learned he plays for the Wild BECAUSE OTHERWISE HE MIGHT AS WELL BE A FUCKING GHOST WHO'S INVISIBLE AND I HASN'T MADE AN IMPRESSION ON ME WHATSOEVER YET IS MY POINT SINKING YET BECAUSE THAT'S WHY I'M USUING CAPSLOCK

My favorite jam is "Everywhere I gooo, in every single videoooo, I see the same Hoooooossa."

I gotta applaud NBCSNCROSBY's initiative on the whole Rivalry Wedneasday thing, even if this one is BS

For Shaw ya should've Frolicked more... to hvae a beetter chance... to score that goal... I'll come back to that joke. There's some potential there.


If Piere calls someone a "monster" tonight, I'll drink an entire bottle of Windex.

Why do Wild fans disappointedly exclaim "OOOooohhh..." after Matt Cullen completely ruins a good scoring chance. Even my cats don't buy into that shit.

I would rather watch Gorg v Greenlay v Nick Cage in FSN's Faceoff than watch Mike Fucking Milbury Doughboy jab at this fucking countertop Smartboard unless he starts drawing Cocks & Balls.

I've always wanted to read John Buccigross' book "Jonesy."

Holy shit NBCSNCROSBY is eating the shit out of Harding's MS story. Yeah. THAT'S why he let in two goals against the best team in the league and what forced Mike "penis head" Yeo to replace uhim with Basketcasestrom. Take a drink because I assumed journalistic integrity from a man who beat a fan with the fan's MFn shoe. Fool me once...

After those MTL v OTT highlights I realize that would've been a hellva game to Live Drunk Blog.

Mike Yeo and Piere McGuire, meet your Penishead Master: Craig Anderson.

BTDub, if you had forgotten, apparently Wild v Hawks is a giant rivalry.

Doc is having a hockgasm over the Herb Brooks statue outside of the worst entrance into the X. Much respek to Herb, but that's got to be the worst statue I've ever seen. Either the man was 4'6" or they cheaped out on the productiong and thought no one would notice a 5/8-to-scale statue. And he looks like Junior is wearing daddy's sportscoat. I mean, even statues od Napoleon were exaggerated to match the legacy. Herb deserves that much. For 'merica, if nothing else.

Piere ALMOST called Herb a monster. Instead he yammered on about some shit that didn't include the word 'monster ."

I'm calling it at 18:00 of the 3rd: Pah-REE-zee has been quiet. Goal in the 3rd.

God damn it. I just remembered Basketcasestrom is in net. I don't think I can afford another beer.

Heeeeeey, NBCSNCROSBY just adveettised an upcoming Penguins game IMAGINE THAT.

Everytime I watch Cullen play, I frown--but then I remember the new CBA's single contract buyout clause and I smile. Paging Mark Parrish. It'd be a shame becuase I love Cullen... OFF the ice, and because even WE didn't give him a substansh contract when we signed him.

Stoner completely highassed that interference play.

[Avoiding complimenting Backstrom for fear of jinxing him--ahh shit I think that still counts for jinxing...]

Heeeeey Doc's telling some story from 1955. Take a drink.

F Bud Light (Lite?) For using Stevie Wonder's Superstition in a commercial. I never need to hear/play that Fn song again.

Shattack St. Mary's = the NSA of Minnesota hockey fame.


Jonas Brosdin will be the Wild's dark horse savior this season. There. I said it.

Piere just hockgasmed over two hot blond teens in the audience by pretending their father between them was the coach of Shackattack St. Mary's--DubeverTF that is.

WTF now Doc is making shit up about highschool girls who play for this ficticious government-run mystery hockey sxhool. WhereTF is my tinfoil wizard hat?!

Imagine that: Piere, Doc, and Eddie get bored of the present game and start gasming over some random player from a larger market team--KILL THE BOTTLE OF JAME-O.

I kinda dig Bax' helmet this year, and how he embraced the amibguous anatomically incorrect green Wild beast logo. Just WTF is that thing? His helmet doesn't know and wouldn't tell if it did.

I'm innerly chanting "LOSER POINT! LOSER POINT!" with 4:30 left in the 3rd--and we're not even losing... yet.

I say again... Pah-REE-zee has been quiet... Yeah... a little TOO quiet. It's Raph! Yeah... a little TOO Raph. #TMNTyoufndorks

So has Kane... Don't like...

PP with two minutes left! Boners for koivu increased to seven now. New charity idea: Boners for Koivu.

No jokes during that PP. Nice movement by the Wild; nice kill by Chickago.

God damn it. Q-stache is the Fn man.

OT OT OT LOSER POINT LOSER POINT!! = win regardless of outcome.

So muxh for my Pah-REE-zee goal in the 3rd. 5 mins of OT, though, and the shootout maybe to make me look good? (Like Pah-REE-zee is a longshot bet or something.)

So far in OT Bax looks gre-AHHHH not going to jinx. (Proabaly already did.)


Nice pass, 20-Cent.

1 min left. Bax big.

Seabrook still sounds like a douche.

Shootout. Hellva game by both sides. (Futbol term, you Fn dorks.)

If Kane pulls that BS shootout again, you'll see defenders chasing shootouts next season (if they don't lockout again this summer).

This is Bax. Calling 2-1 Chicago shootout win.

... Shoot Out Time …

Pah-REEEEE-zeeeee. Crawford doing his Ray Emery impression... though, granted, it was a lot like 20-Cent's BS move.

Heeeeeey. Bax let in a shootout goal. Take a kegstand.

Koivu making my predick look good. Greeeeat.

Thank you, Kane, for not being the doosh you are.

GFYS, Cullen. I mean... GFYS, Cullen...

Wow. Someone call Mario. Sharp's pipejob would make Princess Peach blush.

What a game. Two ugly wins for the Wild and Chicago is still unbeaten in regOH SHUT THE FUCK UP MILBURY SOMEONE SHOW HIM A SHOE



Johnny Oduya’s name is the most sarcastic name in hockey, hence all the “ODUYA?” references each time Doc said he did something.

“Brendan Saad” should be Brandon Saad.

“Piere McGuire” should be spelled “Pierre McGuire,” but he’s a doosh so who cares?

As mentioned above, “Stu Bickel” should be Bryan Bickell.

My Mankato Math didn’t hold up whatsoever in the following line: “Clutterbuck sounds like a Dollar Store line of discount chicken. 20-Cent could buy five Clutterbucks. (Is my Mankato math hodling up?)”

“Heeeeey Cullen completed a lplay without having to pick himself up off the ice unfortunately it was a shot dirextly into the logo of Chief Whatshishawk.” – It shouldn’t have been so difficult to remember that his name was Chief Blackhawk.

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