"Live" Drunk Blog: Wild @ Ducks, 2/1/13

Mason here with another edition of Hitting the Post’s “Live” Drunk Blog, featuring the top-heavy Wild against Emilio Estevez’ bastard descendants. The following rant owes thanks to PizzaLucé for the inspiring beers (Lucid Dyno, Steel Toe Size 7, and especially Deschutes Black Butte Porter) and to the fucking awful showing by the Wild.

Be sure to see tonight’s Clarifications/Retractions/Apologies section after the action. I have no fucking clue how I wound up with Bobby Bonilla.

Cheers!

Setup: Friday, February 1^st – Minnesota wild @ Anaheim Mighty Ducks (1-3 L for Wild). The Wild had just won an unlikely game two nights prior due to Patrick Sharp’s unlucky pipejob. The topline was rather ghostly in that game, and the supporting players did barely enough to secure a victory due to Backstrom’s strong relief effort.

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"Fact:" More people have given more shits about the Mighty Ducks movies than the Mighty Ducks hockey team.

Second question: how can "fans" of the Anaheim Ducks of the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim take their team and themselves seriously if the entire existence of their team is based on the following tagline the Mighty Ducks movie: "He's never coached. They've never won. Together they'll learn everything about winning!" Jesus christ. Gag me with an Emilio Estevez.

First question: are there Ducks fans?

"Fact": Ryan Getzlaf's early balding pattern has been attributed to life-long exposure to being a giant doosh.

"Support": Corey Haim Feldman Perry's astounding dooshiness has been attributed to career-long exposure to Ryan Getzlaf.

I honestly can't remember, nor care, if the Ducks have won a Cup. I also can't remember how many beers I'm deep. At this point neither facts are deal breakers.

Castle Danger has played in front of more people than those in attendance at the Ducks' Honda Prius Center. Hell, even Hip Replacement has.

Gordon Bombay is turning in his grave. (Emilio Estevez is totally dead, right?)

The pronounciation of Viktor Fasth's name will always make anyone sound shitfaced.

"Emerson Etem? I barely knew 'em!"

Mike Yeo still looks like a goateed penis with shoulderpads

Randy Carlyle still is just a prick.

Holy shit. Does Sheldon Quackshell Souray play for the Ducks? I thought that guy was dead. I thought at least his career was. FTR, I'm doing absolutely zero research into any of these things.

If you lpook Tom Gilbert straight in the face, the man has no nose.

I just learned that Randy Carlyle is not the coach of the Ducks, as previously implied. Somehow Bruce Boodrow (phonetic spelling) is standing inthe Ducks bench wearing a suit that looks toio big. I wonder if Carlyle knows he's not the Ducks coach. I wonder if he cares. FTR, Brooce Boodrow is definitely a bigger prick than Rando Carlylsian, and looks like a chubbier penis with shoukder pads than Mike-Yo.

MARCO SCANDELLA-ELLA-ELLA3LLA-EH-EH-EH-EH

"Fact": the Wild defensemen-not-named-Suter have score one hundred times more than the Wild secondary scoring. Matt GDMFn Cullen was on the ice at the time, but I neither know, care, nor will verify if he was awarded an assist for the goal. F that MN guy.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate all black uniforms? I hate 'em, Jacque, I hate 'em! I have no evidence of this, but the Ducks were the first horrible team to use all black unies. [Ijust realized the falsity of that statement; the Vancouver Assholes were the first, back in the orange skate logo days with Pavel Bure, who's brother-with-a-chick-name is married to Bob Saget from Full House.]

Hoky shit. The First period is almost over.

Have I mentioned how sickenly perfect and fucxking annoying it is that the Dux have a player named Fowler? God damn it.

I just heard Sorbet's name again. A third time will verify fact over drunk.

Bax has seen 12 shots by the end of the period. At this rate, if my Mankato Math holds up, by the end of the game we'll have given up over one hundred shots and lost the season.

There is nothing more Wild Hockey than Xcel Energy and Treasure Island Casino Commercials.

The plebs shall silence themselves in the presence of the Don, Mike Russo... Prediction: everything He says will fly right over Anthony Fuxcking LaPanta's touped head.

LPantsa just did the classic interviewer move where he's pretending to listen/understand the interviewee, nods knowingly, and then smiles at the camera.

Heeeeeey "Logjam" take a drink.

Yup. Lafantafantaiwannafanta has no comprehension of not-on-the-teleprompter things.

Dare I say Russo is looking svelter these days? Is that how spell that? Svelter? I barely knew 'er!

"Statistical categories..." at what point are stats not categoric and categories not statistic?

Heeeeeey "rough rides." Take a drink.

"NHL news - Latest on Phoenix Ownership Situation: Fewer people give shits about the Kai-yotes than the ADotMDoA."

I think it's funny how Wendy's is showing two different ad campaigns at the same time, one with a smoking hot redhead Wendy who pretends to eat Wendy's each 30-second commercial, and the real Wendy Thomas who looks like she's eaten Wendy's all her life. [That felt mean; was that mean? Aww fuck it.]

Soooo Matt Cullen scored his last goal back 13 years ago when the inagural Wild played the Ducks. Fantastic would the Ducks be interested in a trade perhaps? I'd even give MFnCullen for the Duck's horrible Fn name.

Greenlay just defender Matt "Mr. October" Cullen by more or less stating "He's had a slow start because the season didn't start when he's used to it starting." Let's diagram this (without using diagrams): Cullen's favorite month is Coctober, wherein we witness and benefit from the entirety of that season's production. So Greenlay has pegged Cullen's current awfulness as being calendarly accurate were the season to have started on time--yet he wrapped it up in a nice, diplomatic subtle rip. Well played, Greenlay. The king's to you.

Heeeeeey "zone exit" closest thing to a poop joke I've heard . Take a drink.

"Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim." Gordon Bombay Christ.

I wonder what Charlie Conway would do knowing that dooshbags like Guntslaf and Feldman-Perry are playing on his team. I mean, what would he do ASIDE from quacking a lot and calling for the Flying V.

Holy shit, that's the third Souray I heard. That confirms it. I'm looking over my shoulder in case he shows up after his name is said three times like Beetlejuice or Candyman--or worse: Sheldon Souray. Tagline for Candyman: "We dare you to say his name five times!" If you say Souray's name five times, he shows up on your roster with a monstrous cap-hit.

Haim-Perry is bleeding. The Wild could lose this game and I'd call it a win.

Greenlay said "zone exit" again. I wonder who catered tonight that's got him so fixated on the great brown evacuation.

After a quiet game for the top line against the Hawks, we could really use an re-appearance tonight. I just don't want "Saku" being mentioned more than "Mikko."

GFYS, Bud Lite, for making me hate Stevie Wonder.

GFYS, Corey Perry, for being Corey Perry.

Hellva g-love save by Bax on Bobby Bonilla.

GFYS, KIA, for ruining gerbils. Hamsters? WGsAF?

Allen, Perry, Ryan, Sbisa... how many first name last names can a team have?

Good shift for ZP, MK, and Heatre (Canadian spelling).

Jonas Brosdin is money.

GFYS, Subway five dollar footlong song for making me crave a weird smattering of lettuce, mayo, brown tard, mystery meat, and smelly bread hands.

"Fax": Devon/Devin/Devan Setoguchi has scored an equal amount of goals as my cats combined. Seto's cap hit: $3 million/year. Catos' cap hit: $30.00/month for Meow Mix and Tidy Cat. Lastly, Sam Adams Boston Lager can suck a mashton of GFYS.

Duck "fans" in the Honda Le Car Center concourse look as bewildered and bashful as I would at the Super Target Center for a Timberwolfs game.

One of these times coming back to the third period, I wish Frankendarby Hendrickson would wear neckbolts for the interview with Kevin/Kevan/Kevon Gorg, who'd shove Mike Yeonis' shoulderpads into his suit coat for a quasigorgo hunchback.

Got lucky by the net coming off its moorings. See, that's a cool realistic thing in ACTUAL hockey games. That's the kind of detail, however, that has no place in hcokey video games. That's like having rain delays in EA Baseball Video Game 13. (Note: I have NO idea what EA's baseball game is called.)

Should I be surpised that the Ducks have a worse goal song than... anyone in the league? No. No I should not.

Why the fuck have I heard Cullen's name more than Pah-REE-zee, Mikko, or Heatley? I've heard Sourays name more than those guys.

Team of Salamis has two assists tonight. Team of Wilds has Matt Cullen.

I see that the World Poker Tournament has shifted from accidentally sleazy to full-on whore mongers by slaving out their Royal Flush girls into having to sit next to sweaty, basement-ridden sweepstakes wiinners. Stay classy, math teacher guy and hobo's Don Johnson.

Big win over the best team "rival" Hawks the last game, road game, Pacific TZ start... this flat performance is pretty textbook so far.

"Fact": Getzlaf is Dutch-German for "[something hilarious having to do with being an asshole and/or a dooshbag]."

Nice work. Konopka, by... allowing yourself to be held?

I'm going to say it: Tom Hanneman is worse than Ant-knee Lapanther.

Go fig: zero Wild presence all game in a game when their first PP doesn't happen until 5 minutes left.

Telling Unconfirmed Stat: Battles for Loose Pucks Won by Wild - exactly zero.

The sound just went out on FSN. Blessing or a curs--aww fuck it's back.

Annnnnd Gilbert Grape ruins any hope of a late-minute comeback. "I wan go up derr agin, Gilbuhrt." Or, "I'm not sorry, Gilbuhrt." Or, "I WAN HOTDOGS, MAMA! I WAN HOT DOGS!" Well you don't get any fucjking hotdogs, Gilbert, because Bobby Ryan Gossling just scored on YOUR PK.

God damn it. "Souray." Take a massive drink.

I'd rather have lost to the Hawks in a good game than watch a no-show loss like this one. If I'd've been sober, I'd've been asleep one minute after whoeverthefuck scored way back in the 1stAND NOW THAT GODDAMNEDKIAGERBILHAMSTER COMMERCIAL IS ON.

At least I can forget this awful showing by playing a satisfying game of EA Baseball Video Game 13.

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Clarifications/Retractions/Apologies:

“I honestly can't remember, nor care, if the Ducks have won a Cup. I also can't remember how many beers I'm deep. At this point neither facts are deal breakers.”

God damn it. They did. In ’06-’07. WTF

“Randy Carlyle still is just a prick.”

Somehow I saved myself within the LDB from having to correct myself when sobriety returned to me for a time. Maybe it’s because I eventually saw Bruce on the bench. Maybe.

“"Fact": the Wild defensemen-not-named-Suter have score one hundred times more than the Wild secondary scoring. Matt GDMFn Cullen was on the ice at the time, but I neither know, care, nor will verify if he was awarded an assist for the goal. F that MN guy.”

He was.

“Have I ever mentioned how much I hate all black uniforms? I hate 'em, Jacque, I hate 'em! I have no evidence of this, but the Ducks were the first horrible team to use all black unies. [Ijust realized the falsity of that statement; the Vancouver Assholes were the first, back in the orange skate logo days with Pavel Bure, who's brother-with-a-chick-name is married to Bob Saget from Full House.]”

There are a shocking amount of simply incorrect things about the above statement. I’d correct them all, but we’d be here all night and I think you get the idea.

“Bax has seen 12 shots by the end of the period. At this rate, if my Mankato Math holds up, by the end of the game we'll have given up over one hundred shots and lost the season.”

Shots ended at 31-27 in Anaheim’s favor. I wasn’t even close.

“Greenlay just defender Matt "Mr. October" Cullen by more or less stating "He's had a slow start because the season didn't start when he's used to it starting." Let's diagram this (without using diagrams): Cullen's favorite month is Coctober, wherein we witness and benefit from the entirety of that season's production. So Greenlay has pegged Cullen's current awfulness as being calendarly accurate were the season to have started on time--yet he wrapped it up in a nice, diplomatic subtle rip. Well played, Greenlay. The king's to you.”

Cullen’s widely nicknamed “Mr. November,” so while I had the wrong month I stand by my rant.

“After a quiet game for the top line against the Hawks, we could really use an re-appearance tonight. I just don't want "Saku" being mentioned more than "Mikko."”

Coincidentally, in Pierre McGuire’s intro to the Hawks @ Wild game, that penis monster called Mikko “Saku.” He was talking about how underrated Mikko is—yeah, so underrated Pierre doesn’t even know his fucking name. UP TOP!

“Hellva g-love save by Bax on Bobby Bonilla.”

Nick Bonino. /facepalm