Sergio Leone Reviews Wild Flames

I sat with Sergio Leone for the Wild game tonight. He was quite impressed with how handsome Mark Giordano is. Like, serious man-crush. Anyhow, he's quite a knowledgeable hockey guy. I was surprised. Here's the transcript of his comments. There are a few spots where I had to decipher what he was talking about.


All Flames for the first five minutes.
Is that ... Pierre-Marc Bouchard?
Koivu shoots the puck. What is this universe?
Parise draws a penalty. (My word is Gorg ugly.) Who is the power play, anyway?
Holy shit, the speed Brodin is undervalued.
Penalty. Zucker, takes drugs. Goal. Is there anyone who has surprised the savage gave the first goal?
Here's a tip: Do not score if you do not shoot. And if you do shoot, try to do it on the network.
Penalty. Bag, drugs. Reduce is a fool, unruly worth taking, he falls asleep.
Parise scores! Or not. This team is bit so snake. Could could not score in a whore house with a fistful of twenties.
 Spurgeon, takes drugs. If you are going to hook someone, it's worth it.
 Dear Wild, please take notes. The Flames know what a "one-timer" is. Give it a try.
 Dear Wild, please stop giving to escape. Stop it.
 Gorg interviews Hendrickson to start the second. Hide the children. At least Tom Gilbert was nowhere to be seen.
 Daniel Day-Lewis has nothing to Mike Rupp.
Parise kills PP Wild. Take drugs.
 Wild killed a penalty. It was only a second, but, you know, baby steps.
 Wild seem confused about what a "power play" is.
 Setoguchi could not hang on the disk was made of steel and his staff had an electromagnet.
 Coyle is so good.
 Heatley seems surprised that skated all the way into the slot.
 The Wild seem reluctant to shoot. What are they afraid?
 I'm calling you now: two pass-happy Finns do not make a power play.
 Mike Rupp has nothing to Dennis Wideman.
 LaPanta Spurgeon seems amazed every time takes on a one-timer.
 Mitchell, who was probably justified. Take drugs.
 Gilbert only at the point, he decided to wait and release pass.
 1:55 into the power play and the wild takes a shot. Parise, of course.
 Coyle, takes drugs. (Dennis Wideman has nothing to Matt Stajan. Seriously, that call was bullshit.)
 Wild are fortunate enough to have so many guys who can kill penalties.
 Gorg talking to Tom Chorske. We just have to burn half of this TV.
 Jonas Brodin looks 15, plays like 30.
 Zucker Holy shit is fast.
 Bouchard shaking like a drunk who has just spent a sawbuck.
 Bax is always as much support as the guy who wears a glass cardboard. (Editor's note: I think he meant Papier Mache cup)
 Bouchard does not shoot. No one is surprised.
 Brodin is too good for this team.
 Gilbert shoots the puck. No one expects.
 Koivu kneeling is better than three naked on skates. Wait, that came out wrong.
 Holy shit, Brodin is good. Wait, Brodin, stuff is nice. But my God this is good penalty kill.
 Objective Zucker. The Wild are onto something with this guy Zucker. I love the energy of this line child.
 Overtime. I feel like we've been here before.
 Parise does what he is paid to do. Game over, man. Game over.

Editor's note: I think when he referred to a player "Takes drugs" he was calling him a dope. 

That's it for this game. Tune in Thursday to see the Wild take on the Ducks.