(Almost) Daily Briefing: 4/30/13

First off, I don't want to take anything away from Mason's brilliant daily briefing from yesterday. So I'll let my homey George Hrab comment on it:

Onward.

The Wild will go into Chicago tonight, the same place where they got pasted for four goals within six minutes to finish the first period. A couple meaningless goals later and they headed to Nashville licking their wounds.

There is only one game Wild fans need to be concerned with. That's the one in Chicago tonight. The Kings visit St. Louis, the Wings visit the Ducks, and there's some Eastern Conference shit going on, too. I think.


What I'm looking for:
I think the Wild have shown an ability to turn up the intensity to 11, and with the Hawks playoff experience, the Wild will now learn that what they thought was 11 is really, like, 6. The guys who haven't got a lot of playoff experience (in other words, everyone other than a handful of players - Parise, Rupp, Cullen, Pommer, Setoguchi, and Mitchell) will get an invaluable lesson.

If the Wild expect to get out of this series and not work on their golf swings or get to work on their sauna-improvement projects next week, the Wild need to play seven perfect games. And Backstrom needs to stand on his head while in the zone to have a chance. They also need to get a shitload of luck.

Supergluing Patrick Kane's balls to the front bumper of a cement mixer wouldn't hurt, either.

(Almost) Daily (Almost) On Time Briefing

Mason here with an (A)DB--NiNY-style but I'll refrain from using too much legalese and French words. The French... Ish.


What you need to know today.

4 STL v 5 LA:  This is destined to be the most physical series in the Playoff
3 VAN v 6 SJ:  I'm hoping this is another physical series, but that no one makes it out alive.
2 ANA v 7 DET:  If anyone can plug Analheim's success this year, it's Detroit.
1 CHI v 8 MIN:  We're fucked.


Keys to CHI v MIN

I couldn't believe it, but apparently I was making some small amount of sense during last night's The Dump In. Or at least Stranger and NiNY were just placating the drunk guy. Anyway, we all agreed that the only way the Wild are going to get a single out of this series is if they heavily employ their very own bane: physicality.

The Wild have shown that when a team takes the boots to them, they can't handle it. They've also played their best hockey when playing an aggressive physical game. The Hawks aren't the toughest, most aggressive team; they pass on pummeling faces, opting instead to pummel nets with pucks. So if we're getting one win in this series, I'm looking at a jacked up Xcel crowd and a jacked up Wild team in Game Three. Then again, Edmonton v Wild 6-1.


Already Looking Past the Playoffs

If and when the Wild lose 4-0 or 5-1, what's the best way to spin it? I think a lot of us are happy enough that the team made the playoffs in the first year of the new Parise/Suter era--and no one's happier than Yeo, as this achievement may have saved his job. It seems to me, too, that especially with how far the guys slid down the board and sucked their way into playing the Hawks, everyone is happy to accept the impending doom and call it a successful season. That whole deflection of guilt kinda rustled my jimmies, though.

I'm definitely guilty of the above. I'm one of those playoff-content rubes. But that seems like enablement. This year, this team showed that they were capable of making any team nervous. They overtook 1st in the NW, held it for a bit, gave it back, took it back, and hung around for awhile before the stretch spiral to 8th seed. So it's a consistency issue, right? How?

Is it coaching? I'm hesitant to admit that, because then I'd be indirectly agreeing that coaching had anything to do with the Blue Jackholes' amazing stretch run--and I ain't goin' that far.

Was it our goal tending? No. I don't want to imagine what this season would've been like without Bax playing as well and consistent as he's been at times.

Is it our leadership? Aside from Bax, I'd say our leadership (let's say Koivu, Parise, and Suter) have been the second most consistent thing. But if you actually have to type a sentence like that, then the proof is probly in the Jello Pudding.

Then what? I don't think I have the answer. Maybe our inconsistency is rooted in, as the French say, a certain jenny-sack-wah or WhateverTF. Or maybe the answer's obvious but I'm just trying too hard to fit in a fake French word. le Meh.

Maybe everyone's right and it's going to be a quick 4 or 5 games. If everyone's going to be wrong, however, the only guys who are going to be proving anyone wrong are those 20-odd dudes on the Wild bench.

I hope they're up for the challenge, though. Because, like, that a lot of people they'll need to convince.

TDI 042813 Playoff Edition!

By NiNY

Playoff preview show - and get your copy quick because they (the playoffs) won't last long.

Mason was in fine, er, spirits, tonight. Some good yuks.

Wild To The Playoffs

By NiNY

Funny how it can all change on a moment.

The Wild beat the Avs 3-1 in game 48 tonight, to clinch the 8th spot in the Western Conference and advance to the playoffs for the first time since 2008. It was dicey in the third when the Avs started to press. But Butch scored the ENG with three seconds left, and then it was just about Cullen paying respects to Hejduk who was sent out for what the Altitude guys calling the game guessed was his fifth career faceoff.

This will be the fourth and final time the Wild made the playoffs as members of the Northwest Division.

The Wild is 1-for-1 in playoff appearances in the Parise/Suter era.

Backstrom - as he has done his entire NHL career - had a big bounce back game after getting pulled last night. He's not the type to steal too many games, but he was the difference tonight, out-dueling Varlamov who also played a strong game.

I have said all season that success for this season was based on making the playoffs. Well, they did it. So this season is a success.

This is an up-and-coming team. They have some star power, some good role players, some good rookies and prospects behind them. They get above-average goaltending, and they have a coach whose best days as a coach are likely ahead of him. They have a GM with elan and an uncanny ability to plan ahead. They have an owner with deep pockets and a willingness to mine them.

This sounds a bit like a pre-season scouting report. And that's because it may as well be.

Oh, sure, there's the playoffs. But, uh, it's the Blackhawks.

Look, the story of the night is that the Wild took care of business. This is a step in the right direction. This shows progress. This shows that the plan is working. This is good. Wasn't always pretty, but then it rarely is. Hockey's not always pretty. Doesn't pretend to be.

It took the Minnesota Wild 47 games, 59 minutes and 57 seconds, but Goddamn if they didn't make the playoffs.

For this season? I'm good.

To Boo or Not To Boo

By NiNY

Do fans have the right to boo their team at a sporting event?

I say they do.

And mine isn't some First Amendment rationale.

First, when fans pay their hard-earned shekels to be in the building - or in the bar, or in their living room - they buy the right to boo.

But I think there's more to it than that.

As an aside, there's a difference between booing and Bronx cheering and being uncouth and inappropriate. I think you can boo or ride your team when they play poorly, but you can do it without swearing or crossing that line that is hard to define but that we all know exists. I'm not anti-swearing in general. But I know I don't like it when my own kids are exposed to truly blue language, so when I boo at a game I try to keep it clean. Pointed and clear as to my displeasure, but clean. Plus, I give big ups to the fan who can creatively heckle his or her own team when they deserve it, without resorting to wild and unsubstantiated claims of incest.

Back to the point.

Here's my personal fan credo: I hold that I may cheer for my team in support of them, but that, should they play poorly, my willingness to cheer for them also provides me the right to boo them when they play poorly.

During a discussion about this in the Shp recently, my point was that cheering/booing is a way to get invested in the game. If I pay $100 to go to a game and I cheer and boo, and tap into the emotions of the ups and downs of a sporting contest, I'm going to walk out of the building having experienced a stronger connection to the event. And that experience, to me, is a better value for my $100 than if I had paid the same amount of money, and sat on my hands all night, not uttering a peep. Or, if I only cheer when I was happy, and didn't boo the poor play, then I'm only tapping into half of the available emotional outlets. So I only get half of the opportunity for catharsis.

This is entertainment. In the stage shows of the olden days, they cheered the hero and booed the villain. The contrast between good and bad is part of the entertainment dynamic. And there's nothing wrong with reacting to either side of that dynamic.

Last night, the issue was whether or not fans were acting appropriately in Bronx cheering and mocking Josh Harding. This becomes a secondary issue rather quickly, but the bottom line for me is that: yes. If Harding - like any other player - doesn't do his job, then he is fair game for boos. The secondary issue is obviously the existence of his MS. But the fact of the matter is that, as long as Harding judges himself, and is judged by team officials and doctors, to be an NHL-capable goaltender, then he should be judged as one. Not as an NHL goalie with MS. That's unfair to Josh.

So, if you would boo Backstrom or any other goalie for a similar performance but would check your boos if it's Harding - because he has MS - then you're treating him differently, holding him to a different standard. I think he deserves more respect than that. If you want to honor Josh Harding for his brave fight against a truly ugly disease, then don't treat him differently than any other player. If his MS is inhibiting his ability to play at the NHL level then he won't be playing at the NHL level very long. That will likely end up being the reason he stops playing in the NHL as it is. But, as long as he's worked hard enough to be in the NHL, treat him like he's an NHLer.

Now I think the reason for the jeering should be kept in perspective. Harding was certainly not the reason they lost last night. But he had a job to do, as a backup coming in off the bench in a very difficult situation, and he didn't do it. But Bronx cheering a save was as much about the whole situation of the Wild laying an inexplicable and massive egg in a huge moment as it was about Harding's individual performance, and you know that.

The final piece of my argument here is the Minnesotan-ness of this situation. The X is a pathetically quiet building most nights. Absurdly quiet. Not just bereft of boos, but of cheering, too. Look, I readily acknowledge that paying your money to get in buys you the right to NOT cheer/boo just as it buys you the right TO cheer/boo. But the apathy the Wild crowd shows most nights glaringly belies the "State of Hockey" moniker. I get it. It's not in our nature to be ostentatious or outlandish or demonstrative. And it's really against our moral code to draw attention to ourselves. But, A) you'd think the residents of the "State of Hockey" would be more into the game - it's not like they're that quiet in Canada - and B) I can't believe - given our history with NHL teams leaving the state - we're willing to risk being seen as taking the NHL for granted like that. But, then again, this is a crowd that booed Bettman when he walked on the ice before the first ever regular season home game in Wild history. So, maybe the joke's on me.

(Almost) Daily Briefing 042713

By NiNY

What you need to know today.

Standings
Win and they're in.

Key Games
Wild @ Colorado - Shouldn't have come to this, but you knew it would. That's just how we roll in Wild-land. I'll reserve judgement until after the game, but read Mason's game reax from last night - it's worth it. No more words, just play.

Post-Game Coverage which Doesn't Even Acknowledge the Game

Gather 'round children and let Pappy Mason tell ye a story.

First, though, I should mention that I thought of several ways of covering tonight's game and deleted them all. My typical coverage just didn't do this outcome justice considering how much was at stake.

But how about some context and insight into the inner workings of Hitting the Post? As all of our two devout readers/listeners know (who, clearly, are Mike Russo and Mike Yeo) Stranger, NiNY, and I conduct our weekly podcast, The Dump In, every Sunday night. After which when the recording ends we do telephonic high-fives all around for another flawless, sexy show. Then we divvy up the upcoming week's games for post-game content responsibilities (which reminds me: welcome, Jill, to the fold!).

Typically, I do my best to be flexible, as le Strange and NiNY have beautiful children to prioritize and I just have two butt-licking cats (like, who lick their own butts AND each other’s butts and are super cool with it). So I'm happy to defer to Mike and Nick’s schedules and cover what's left. When tonight's game was last to be claimed, I said, “NBD. I'm your huckleberry.”

  

This good eve I set ye ol' trusty DVR to record tonight's Wild must-win, and despite the annoying complication of dealing with WhateverTF a Fox Sports Network Plus is, I managed to successfully arranged for a nice DVR'd experience later on. My abhorrence for watching live sporting television was satiated, and DVR’ing allowed me a nice buffer of time doing something far more enjoyable than watching Kia Hamster commercials and Gorg anal assis.

"So," I asked of my indifferent cats, "why don't I burn my typical hour or so of waiting to start a DVR'd hockey game by biking to my favorite local watering hole, Steel Toe Brewing, to meet up with good time buddies?"

My cats often serve as my conscience, and neither they nor my conscience had a logical counter argument. The cats just wanted to be fed and my conscience, which is typically a monumental push-over anyway, was briefly busy thinking about boobs. So, to the trail I pedaled.

Couldn't've asked for a more perfect night for a three-mile sprint on the first TRUE day of this MN spring and a couple-few pints of craft.

Lo... at 7pm, the only TV in the smallish taproom blinked on and hark, there be images of the fiend LaPanta, heralding tonight's intro.

Surveying my surroundings, I realized that I was in a rather favorable arrangement for avoiding the visuals. The awful sound of The Panta's play-by-play was not being amplified through the room's PA, and the TV was far enough away and at an obtuse enough angle that as long as I was weary of my sightlines, spoilers could be entirely avoidable.

In addition to my strategic geography, my good time buddies are good time buddies for a reason. Those in the room, even the ones who were paying scant attention to the game, know me well enough to know that I'm avoiding the game in order to pay full attention to it later. Even those e-good time buddies who were texting/FB’ing/PM’ing me about the game know not to hint—for which I'm superbly grateful. I was in full-on spoiler avoidance: I put the phone away to avoid the FB and the Twittering. Good to go, right?

8pm or so comes around and I got to thinkin', "Perfect. Time to pay up, hit the asphalt, and breeze through this must-and-should win. Write some giggly haiku about narwhals or some shit and we're in the 2nd season." My downfall was not the following event. My downfall was that brief comfort in a sure-win. I can’t blame myself, though, after what had amounted to the perfect setup what with the glorious ride and righteous brews at STB.

I was feeling good—and sociable. I saw a fella I've seen around MaPoLiS at STB, Harriet, 612 Brew, Dangerous Man, and Indeed nearly one million times over the last couple years—yet I'd never made the effort to introduce myself.

So I did.

Don't get me wrong; I don't regret it—not one awful second of Wild hockey.

I forget the exact words due to blacking out in about one minute, but it went something like a-so:

"Hey, bro," I said, "I see ya everywhere and I figure I might as well know your name. Mine’s Jared."

And he says, "Yeah, man, I totes recognize ya. I'm Mike."

Awesome. We share some words about the beer scene and the connectivity of the City's bike trails, and he launches into a super eloquent monologue that went something like a-so:

"Yeah, bro. TODAY is what MN is all about. That shitty winter is finally over, people go crazy over the first nice day of the season, they work a long day at some Fn job, or they don't got any job at all, it's FRIDAY, and they come out to have a good time with good people at good places like this on the trail. It's just perfect."

And I'm like, "Cheers, dude."

And then he says, "The ONLY thing that would make it better..."

And this when I knew what was coming, as he gestured towards the obscured TV...

"Is if the Wild weren't losing 5 to 0 right now."

We both looked at the TV, at which point—no shit—Edmonton scored their sixth goal.

No this not a "fuck me cuz I shoulda known" story. Nor do I regret being sociable, even if being so is completely against my typical misanthropic stance on the human race, so it's also not a "fuck that guy" story. Ya know what kind of story this is? It's a "fuck THOSE guys" story, meaning the Wild. And, honestly, I was fine with it.

Sure, I'd be happy to explain. But there's a bear with me so it might take a while.

Many moons ago when the Wild came to be there was a ho lotta shitty baseball being played by the Twins. Despite being the only successful MN pro team ever, there was still the shadow of a threat that the Twins could easily be sold and moved far away. I hadn't paid attention to the Twinks since the glory days, and I was avidly anti-baseball. Furthermore, I had a full-on boner for hating football, and the Vikings never had anything even remotely close to the Twins' success. But... I was fascinated by THE STORY.

The Twins and especially the Vikings had created an astounding relationship with MN sports fans. Sure there were fair weather fans and the worse end of the spectrum: fans who only follow a team because it gives them something to complain about. Fuck both of those special types of asshole.

The people I was most intrigued by were those with longevity and an understanding—nay, a symbiotic relationship with the tree rings--not the seasonal branch. I knew that that's what I wanted out of me and the Wild.

So that inaugural year, I made a not-so-silent declaration that I was in it for the long haul; I'm in it for the story.

Nowadays, people who find out about me and hockey ask, "Oh, so you're a Wild fan?"

To which I retort, "GFYS. 'Fans' riot. I'm a scholar of the game, MFer. Get me a Whopper."

Or something like that.

This is what I'm getting at—“Finally!" Both readers, Russo and Yeo, are saying. Early on and mid-way through the Wild's existence a Wild loss would ruin my night and, frankly, my mood would make people uncomfortable. I decided that that was BS, and that since I'd promised I was in it for the long haul, I couldn't act like some dooshbag watching one game (even though I'm a dooshbag who's watched EVERY game).

Over time I think I've changed that. I think—and please tell me if I haven't—I think I've finally established an integrity within myself for caring about the Story, even though the story doesn't necessarily end well every chapter. That's the problem: Disney taught us that all stories must have a happy ending. Fuck, my favorite story evar is Tolkien's "the Children of Hurin" and that shit is depressing as fuck. Then again, the Hurin story is a tragic precursor in the First Age of Middle-Earth which MUST happen for the epic triumph of the War of the Ring two ages later. Trust me, bro. If thou doubtest, we'll get 'faced and discuss the proof in another post, K?

But let's not get too Fn ridiculous.

What I mean to say is this: the Wild have been playing like complete assholes for the last double-digits games. Even the wins are evidential of assholesomeness. Who handily thwarts the Cup Champs one game and follows it with THIS against the lowly Oilers? Blame injuries all you want for this year (just like last year, right?--do you see the longevity clause here?), the fact is this: you win if you win, and typically you have to deserve to win. "Deserve," however, is not a stat—not even a tie-breaker.

If I've failed to lead you to my moral, here it is in plain Engrish:

I am perfectly content with the Wild failing to make the playoffs if they do not play like they deserve to make the playoffs.

Because fuck them.

I'm here to be the Watcher. If Those Assholes subject me to this slop, if they subject me to winning the Cup, I'll be subjectively watching. For the story of it.

Minnesota Wild vs. Edmonton Oilers

OK, I've been sitting here for the past hour trying to figure out what to say about this game... something that will come out (somewhat) not making me sound like a complete jerk. Here's what I came up with:

%#^$*!@


I'm at a complete loss about this game. Cullen described it as "weird." Well, that's one way of putting it. I would like to pose one question to you and I would really like an honest answer. Do you really think Backstrom is capable of holding his own in the playoffs? When a team has such an off night (like tonight) the goalie has to be solid. Backstrom gave up 3 goals on 5 shots tonight... against a team that he usually dominates. I know, I know. Harding wasn't much better. 3 goals given up by him in the 2nd period. It was all around a mess of a game. The Wild had 38 shots on goal but could only produce a single goal in the 3rd period. Koivu from Coyle (love that kid, by the way). Falling apart like this just can't happen... especially when they're trying to make the playoffs. Especially against a team that's completely OUT of the playoffs (Oilers). 

Tomorrow is a new day... with a new challenge. The Wild face the Avalanche in their house. It's the Av's final home game of the season. Even though they're dead last in the West, they won't go down without a fight. It will not be an easy night for the Wild. The only thing I can think of is that they need to forget the game tonight ever happened. It's done. It was a disaster. Time to move on. They still have a shot at the playoffs... they MUST beat the Av's tomorrow night.

Well look at that... I had more to say than I thought. And it wasn't all angry!

(Almost) Daily Briefing 042613

By NiNY

What you need to know today.

Standings
5. LAK 57, 1
6. SJS 57, 1
7. DET 54, 1
8. MIN 53, 2
****************
9. CBJ 53, 1

Since yesterday a couple new things:

A. St. Louis held the hammer over LA and San Jose in the form of the game-in-hand, and they used it last night. They jumped from 6th to 4th, and a win in their last game at home against Chicago - any kind of win - and they will lock up home ice in the first round because only one of LA or SJ is going to finish with 59 points. The Blues at home is going to be a very formidable opponent.

B. Detroit cruised last night putting them in a position to clinch a playoff spot with just one point in their last game, which would mean the best the BJs could do is tie them in points, but the Wings have the edge in ROW (21-18).

C. The Wild dropped to 8th place, but now hold the hammer because THEY are the only team with 2 remaining games. If the Wild wins out, the best they can finish is 6th. If they lose out, and Columbus gets one point in its last game, the Wild misses the playoffs.

Key Games
Edmonton @ Minnesota - Win and they're in. In a way, I think it's a good thing the BJs won in Dallas last night. This Wild team has demonstrated a maddening willingness to play down to its opponent at critical times, and this game represents both a lesser opponent and a critical time for the Wild. So heading into this game with the pressure still on is preferable than heading into the game with the pressure off.

I know it's been reported that the net is Backstrom's the final two games, but if the Wild wins and clinches tonight, why wouldn't you give him a rest and get Hards an NHL game in Denver? Obviously if the Wild loses tonight it's a different story.

Sounds like Rupp might be ready, meaning the fourth line of Rupp, Konopka and Mitchell could be reunited. They were great, frankly, during the Wild's run earlier. And that's the kind of line that wins playoff games. Getting them rolling again would be very big for this hockey team.

If the Wild is comfortably leading late in the game, do you rest a Suter if you're Mike Yeo?

If the Wild is comfortably leading late in the game, do you give a Taylor Hall a little love tap if you're Cal Clutterbuck?

If the Wild is comfortably leading late in the game, do you switch Bax and Hards (assuming the Oilers have scored a goal)?

If the Wild is comfortably leading late in the game, do I keep drinking the Miller Lites that I tried last game in a desperate attempt to find some juju? I'm all for positive juju, but every time you open a Miller Lite a puppy goes blind somewhere in the world.

(Almost) Daily Briefing 042513

By NiNY

What you need to know today.

Standings
4. LAK 57, 1
5. SJS 57, 1
6. STL 56, 2
7. MIN 53, 2
8. DET 52, 2
*****************
9. CBJ 51, 2

Remaining Games
Kings: vs. Sharks
Sharks: @ Kings
Blues: vs. Calgary, vs. Chicago
Wild: vs. Oilers, @ Avalanche
Red Wings: vs. Nashville, @ Dallas
BJs: @ Dallas, vs. Nashville

So we know only one of LA or San Jose is going to finish with 59 points, and the other one will finish with either 57 or 58.

Assuming the Hawks rest everyone, the Blues have a very favorable schedule. They have the hammer over LA and SJS with the game-in-hand. They may very well finish in 4th (60 pts).

The Wild controls their own destiny, and can get help clinching from Dallas if the Stars beat the BJs tonight. Wild can still finish as high as 5th, as low as 9th.

Dallas plays a very prominent role in determining the 8th seed in the West.

Key Games
Calgary @ St. Louis - Wild needs Calgary to win this game if they want to keep pace with, or pass, the Blues.
Columbus @ Dallas - The Wild wants Dallas - who cannot catch the Wild - to win in regulation, which would clinch a playoff spot for Minnesota.

(Almost) Daily Briefing 042413

By NiNY

What you need to know today.

Standings
4. LAK 57, 2
5. SJS 57, 2
6. STL 56, 2
7. MIN 53, 2
8. CBJ 51, 2
****************
9. DET 50, 3

The first thing you notice is that the list of teams is shrinking. The Stars and Coyotes can no longer catch the Wild. The Wild can still finish as high as 4th or as low 9th.

Key Games
Los Angeles @ Detroit - Going on the theory that you have to worry about punching your ticket first if you're the Wild, you want LA to win this game. That's the reason not to root for Dustin Brown to get suspended for his chicken wing on Pominville last night. At least not starting tonight.

San Jose @ Phoenix - The only thing that impacts the Wild in this game is distance between them and the Sharks. Phoenix can't hurt us anymore, other than letting the Sharks get too far ahead to catch.

In fact, if LA and SJS both win tonight, the Wild will know that they can't finish higher than 6th - which would earn them a date with the Canucks who are locked into 3rd.

Other Stuff
Last night's game was absolutely a bar-setter for the Wild. Now we KNOW they are capable of playing that way. The question is: do they have the leadership and the will to replicate that effort every night?

Kings at Wild: 3 tweet game review

1st period: Wild needed to score first and get the early momentum. They did that and more. Clutter with a clutch goal was huge. Good start.

Period 2: Horseshit non-call on the hit on Pominville, and a costly injury if he misses any appreciable amount of time. Refs disappoint me.

Period 3: Wild took Yeo's advice to look ahead,not behind and played some solid defensive, smart hockey to close it out. Big win.

(Almost) Daily Briefing 042313

By NiNY

What you need to know today.

Standings
4. LAK 57, 3
5. SJS 55, 3
6. STL 54, 3
7. MIN 51, 3
8. CBJ 51, 2
***************
9. DET 50, 3
10. DAL 48, 3
11. PHX 46, 3

Fucking scoreboard hates us. The Red Wings rolled on the Coyotes last night and Chicago bent over for the Canucks which allowed them to clinch the division. 5-straight seasons worth of the underachieving anti-Christs winning the NW. Good riddance. Hopefully it makes it that much more painful to their fans when they don't win the Cup. Again.

Key games
Colorado @ St. Louis - We're pulling for the Avalanche. Hopefully the Avalanche aren't pulling the one-arm bandit in their heads and will show up.

Dallas @ San Jose - We can technically still catch San Jose, and Dallas isn't dead yet. So, which way do you go? I think the Wild just needs to get in at this point, and they'll likely lose to the Kings tonight. So that means we need San Jose to win.

Tonight's matchup
Not a lot to say. The Kings are good, and are playing well (6-2-2 in their last 10). We are struggling and sputtering and dragging our dick in the dirt. Going into the lat six games I projected this as a loss. I don't see any reason to change that outlook now.

And, if the Wild does lose tonight, the doom and gloom and rhetoric will be off the charts. Like, "turn off your computer and ignore Twitter" off the charts.

(Almost) Daily Briefing 042213

By NiNY

Standings
3. VAN 57, 3
4. LAK 57, 3
5. SJS 55, 3
6. STL 54, 3
7. MIN 51, 3
8. CBJ 51, 2
****************
9. DET 48, 4
10. DAL 48, 3
11. PHX 46, 4

Key games
Phoenix @ Detroit - At this point we'd rather see Phoenix win this game than Detroit since Detroit is closer to the Wild. But the outcome doesn't threaten our 7th place standing tonight, either way. We just want to avoid the 3-point game.

Chicago @ Vancouver - We woul prefer the Blackhawks win this game, as we still have a chance to catch the Canucks for the division. However that chance is predicated on the Canucks losing their last three and the Wild winning their last three - so, in other words, not a good chance.

Bottom line
The Wild is floundering. Oh-fer April at home, playing down to their opponents, hot or cold scoring, hot or cold goaltending....not a pretty picture, overall. They technically control their fate at this point, but any help will be accepted and appreciated.

30WR: Wild vs. Flames

By NiNY

No, this was not the effort we needed to see. But I still believe they will make the playoffs and am holding them to it. They better not disappoint me.

TDI 042113

By NiNY

It's always fun to record a podcast after an ugly loss.

Minnesota Wild vs. Calgary Flames

What are "The Playoffs?" Everyone keeps talking about them... FSN even has an ad running that announces "Playoff Tickets Go On Sale Tomorrow Morning!" I'm not sure what to do with this bit of information. Do they want money from me?

As for tonight... what the hell happened? 4-1? FOUR TO ONE against Calgary?! The Wild came out decent in the 1st period and then everything went to hell. This team plays down when faced with a team that isn't necessarily "strong." It was slow vs. slow tonight. The Wild didn't step up, didn't hustle, didn't pass well, made tons of sloppy plays and looked more annoyed than pumped up to be playing. I don't get it. The pieces are there... great players... but something just doesn't connect. Where's the problem? I can't figure it out. I'm at a total loss right now and can't even imagine seeing this team in the playoffs. Can we inject them with caffeine before games? Light a fire under their breezers? Literally?

Ok, off that rant. The last thing I would like to say tonight is in regards to Mike "Uh" Greenlay. I have created a drinking game which I invite you all to play. During Minnesota Wild games, you will listen for 2 main things that FSN announcer Mike Greenlay does to invoke anger. 1. He will "chuckle" at something he says that only HE thinks is funny. Take a drink. 2. Every time he says "uhhhh" you take a drink. Those two things will have you pretty drunk by the 2nd period. It's very important you do NOT start the Mike Greenlay Drinking Game until the 1st period has already started. Trust me on this one. 

(Almost) Daily Briefing 041913

By NiNY

Standings
3. VAN 55 4
4. LAK 55 4
5. SJS 55 4
6. STL 52 5
7. MIN 51 4
8. CBJ 49 3
9. DAL 47 5
10. DET 47 5
11. PHX 44 5

Key Games Tonight
Dallas @ St. Louis

The loss last night only hurt the Wild in that it knocked them into 7th place where a likely first round matchup with Anaheim waits. 6th (or 3rd, if they catch Vancouver) is far more desirable to the Wild, in terms of matchup, than 7th. So not only is St. Louis ahead of the Wild, but they hold the hammer in the form of the game-in-hand.

The Wild has a favorable schedule the rest of the way (3 home games, 1 road game, Calgary, Edmonton, Colorado are all lesser teams - on paper - than the Wild). But in a way it's good they got shellacked in the Sharks game; *if* they can parlay that into a kick in the pants instead of a dent in the confidence.

Sometimes you just lay an egg. And I think that's what happened last night against a very good Sharks team.

Now the Wild gets the coveted two days off before Sunday's "last game against the Flames as divisional opponents" showdown.

Maybe Oncle Craig will spring for hyperbaric chambers for Cullen, Suter and Backstrom.

Wild Viewing on Hyperbole Pills: Wild @ Sharks, 4/18/13, 1-6 Loss

Tonight I popped a handful of hyperbole pills and watched the Wild play one of the worst games I've ever seen them play (that part was not hyperbolic). The good news is we play one more good team and a bunch of shitty teams for the rest of the season. And we continue to receive help in the standings. All is not lost yet. Except for this game. Which was WAY lost.

The results of the hyperbolic play-by-play would make an angsty teenage girl blush:

---

Finnish goaltenders are the new Canadian goaltenders.

Sharks are the best fish. Dolphins are lucky they are mammals.

Jason Zucker is the best rookie in the league not named Chaz Coyle.

WTF is a "Playoff Ticket Strip?" I hope they aren't like chicken strips which, unless you're drunk or four years old, always sound like a good idea at the time but you always wish you'd gotten a burger. Our playoffs can't be like that: looking good going in but unsatisfying to the taste. Our playoffs have to be a burger.

I always see the electric yellow Bail Bonds doosh bags behind the Sharks bench (not hyperbole) and I always hate them (also not hyperbole).

Mikko Koivu plays like a narwhal which also has a menacing dorsal fin and one million teeth.

The only reason Pominville didn't score on his break away is because goals are only worth one point.

See? Time heals all wounds. Havlat and Koivu hated each other as team mates but the two of them hooked up like BFFs on Mikko's own goal.

The Own Goal Gods giveth (Columbus) and the Own Goal Gods taketh away (San Jose).

Lapanta: "He's sandwiched between two Shark players." Rob Reiner to Spinal Tap: "The review you had on ‘Shark Sandwich’, which was merely a two word review… 'Shit sandwich.'"

  

The Wild have been the victim of more 3 on 2s than blondes on the internet.

The Sharks have more draws than MC Escher.

Tonight FSN Girl Jenny Last Name looks anorexic Grimace. It's pretty hot, actually, in a weird, repressed childhood memory kind of way.

The HP Pavillion consistently breaks the record for most jersey fouls every season. "Oh hey! I'm going to a hockey game tonight? I know, right? Hockey? So cray cray. ... What am I going to wear? I'm just going to grab some hockey jersey from my Calgarian boyfriend's closet. ... Yes, he does pronounce it vah-JEEN-ah. I don't mind that as much as him referring to his 'sack-skatchewan.'"

This is the worst game against the Sharks since the last game against the Sharks.

Hey, San Jose. The 90s called. They said you can keep the "Hey Song" forever because go fuck yourself.

Oh grand. Stoner's angry. What usually follows is a stupid penalty, lots of listening to Rage Against the Machine, and empty declarations such as, "myan, I gotta make a difference and, like, be proactive about stuff, myan, like politics and junk. Like, What Would Zach dela Rocha Do, ya know, myan? He's start shopping at a co-op, I think."

So far more Wild players have set up Shark goals than Shark players.

Bouchard looks good. (Not hyperbole.)

The Wild have worse puck luck than Marc Stall's orbital bone. Too soon?

Raffi Torres is the second worst human being in the existence humans being around. No, not Hitler. Corey Perry.

More shit puck luck. At least no one planned on winning this game--obviously least of all the Wild.

I'm tripping on hyperbole pills, but Lapanta has OD'ed from free-basing understatement. It's 5-1, and he says the Wild have been "a little off." Captain Obvious has promoted directly to Four-Star General Obvious.

My cats have scratched prettier zen patterns in their litter box than this piece of shit by the Wild.

  

Cute: Brodziak thought he was a fighter. Even cuter: he thought Scott Gomez would fight him.

The difference between Shark fans and Wild fans: Shark fans go home early when their team is winning 6-1. Wild fans do not. (This is only accurate because the Wild do not win 6-1 games.)

This practice in hyperbole escalated quickly into drunken rage reporting. Let's get back on track, shall we? If I were the Wild's ex-wife and I were dropping our kids off at the Wild's shitty uptown apartment, as the kids run inside, excited for tonight's microwaved Pizza Rolls dinner and a rented PG-13 movie, I'd tell the Wild "you NEVER made me happy." I'd then drive off to an eHarmony date that I'd pray would be over in 45 minutes so that I could just go home to a bottle and a half of red wine, eps of True Blood, and my vibrator. (How's that for hyperbolic?)

The Most Interesting Player in the World

(Fixed--thanks, Mike.)

(Almost) Daily Briefing 041813

By NiNY

Gameday today!
Wild at the Sharks (10:30 pm ET, NHL Network, FSN, FSWI, CSN)
A Wild win: gives them 53 points, would jump over San Jose for 5th.
A WIld loss: and a St. Louis win means the Wild would fall into 7th, as the Blues would pass them
Can't end up higher than 5th or lower than 7th at the end of tonight's games, could end up right where we are in 6th.

Other important games
Phoenix @ St. Louis
Vancouver @ Dallas
Columbus @ LA

Best possible outcome for the Wild is 2 points (in regulation), and then it gets kind of murky. St. Louis, Phoenix, Dallas and Columbus can all still catch us. We can still catch LA and Vancouver. So do you pull for the teams that are ahead of us to beat the teams that are behind us, the thinking being that you first have to punch your ticket to the dance and then worry about seeding? That seems to make the most sense, so you'd want St. Louis, Vancouver and LA to win tonight. I'm going to pull for Vancouver for that reason. But I think Phoenix is far enough behind us that they're not a threat, so I'm going to pull for them to beat St. Louis. And I just don't want to see Todd and Groins to pass us, so I'm going to pull for LA to beat the BJs. Whatever the outcome, please God let them be in regulation.

With a day's "rest" you have to think we'll see Bax tonight in the cage, all else equal. This will be a big test.

ITPST (If The Playoffs Started Today) the Wild would play the Canucks. Even with Kesler back, I think that's one of the more favorable of the likely matchups available to the Wild in the first round. Even starting on the road.

Finally, amazing moment from the Bruins/Sabres game last night. It must have been incredible to be in the stands, singing along. Boston strong, indeed.

http://youtu.be/1TXPgMmzveo

(Almost) Daily Briefing 041713

By NiNY

As I said on Twitter last night, I am all in on this playoff drive that the Wild is on right now. I even scoreboard watched last night - taking in parts of the Blues/Canucks game (thanks a lot, Riotcouver). So I'm going to aspire to check in with a daily low down on where we are for the rest of the way here.

Standings
3. VAN 43 GP 55 Pts
4. LAK 43 GP 53 Pts
5. SJS 43 GP 53 Pts
6. MIN 43 GP 51 Pts
7. STL 42 GP 50 Pts
8. DET 42 GP 47 Pts
9. CBJ 43 GP 47 Pts
10. DAL 42 GP 45 Pts
11. PHX 42 GP 43 Pts

I feel like it's going to be hard to catch Vancouver in the division. If, for no other reason than their next games are against Dallas and Detroit and we want the Canucks to win both of them (and in regulation, to boot).

Team
We're winning, albeit ugly. But the most important thing is that we're winning. In the playoffs you have to win ugly.

I don't know why Cullen is the magic piece that is the difference between scoring and not scoring, but I don't really care. We clearly need to get him the Michael Jackson hyperbaric chamber to sleep in and secret service protection, though.

I worry about Bax a little bit. But winning these two games hopefully sets us up to lock up a playoff spot before the end of the season, so we might rest him a bit. But I absolutely agree that you have to ride him until then. Also, it's not like you slot in a game-ready goalie in Kuemper. So I just hope Bax truly can thrive on the minutes, even though history suggests he can't.

Coming Up
We are in San Jose on Thursday, then home for three against the Flames, Kings and Oilers, before ending the season in Denver. Overall a favorable schedule.

Wild @ Flames Live (Sober) Blog with Harry Callahan

I'm joined tonight by Harry Callahan, who will comment on the Wild as they visit Calgary.

Who is this Hanowski punk? He looks like a damn hippie.

Koivu owes that Coyle kid a bottle of scotch. Good stuff, too. That kid is the reason the Wild scored. Nice to see him play more that fifteen seconds.

Backstrom made a good save there. I'm gonna call him Dirty Backy, because he's doing a lot of the dirty work in this game.

I don't know what evidence they had for that call.
Mike: Are you saying that was a bad call?
The stick didn't even hit that punk in the face. Hit his shoulder.

These guys are lucky to get out of the period with the lead. Once they scored they acted like they knew they were gonna be shooting blanks after that.

Who the hell is this Gorg clown? Ugly and stupid.

Careless penalty by Zucker. Wild must be feeling lucky by taking all these penalties.

Good zone control midway through the second.

That Wideman punk could use some education on politeness, driving Parise into the boards head first like that.

Pominville is really good. He proves you have to put the puck on net if you want to score goals. I'm glad he knows how to score on someone other than Bobrovski.

Bouchard didn't spin after crossing the blue line. Did I die and go to the afterlife?

Nice move by Koivu behind the net.

Commercial break: These fucking gerbils make me want to shoot a naked guy running in an alley in the middle of the night.

Bouchard shot the puck. Was there a dare involved?

Sloppy play led to that goal. Can't give those punks odd-man rushes like that.

I don't know what's gotten into Bouchard. Not spinning, shooting the puck, scoring goals?

How the hell does Pommer do that?

This third period is a lot more interesting than the first two.

The announcers are saying the Wild used to have tough luck playing in Calgary. I got one word about that: Iginla.

I like that Zucker is shooting the puck.

Hanowski may be a punk, but I can't feel bad about that goal he scored.

That late goal raises my blood pressure.

Now Harry is cleaning his gun. I'm going to leave him be. I'll wrap up by saying that the Wild continued to do all the little things, but they need to be careful and not let the other teams get pressure on the goalie or play spoiler. Good game overall.

PGS: Wild @ GGY

By NiNY

Throw out the numbers. It's do or die time. The Wild is fighting to get into the playoffs. Like so many other teams. Like the Bluejackets who just beat the Wild in a shootout. Like the Red Wings. (I had to double check that one.) If you told me at the beginning of the season the Wild would be fighting to get in to the playoffs - but still alive - with 7 games to go I would have taken it. This is about where I thought this team would be this season. Sure, the path hasn't always been pretty, but when is it ever? I mean, unless you're Pittsburgh, Chicago or Anaheim this season.

So forget about the stats, the injuries, the questionable calls....all that stuff is in the past. What we have in front of us today is a game we really need to win, in Calgary.

Normally that wouldn't be a great deal. We've had our troubles in Calgary. But this is a different Flames team. The scales of competitiveness have fallen from their eyes, and laid bare a team that was woefully short of contention. And now Iginla the mighty warrior is gone, Bouwmeester too. Kipper's head is bowed, his career stumbling to a close, as often as not backing up something called Joey MacDonald.

This is a team that finally has realized how much closer to the lottery they are than to the Cup.

So the Wild needs to beat them. Games against the Sharks and Kings loom, and that means that games against the Flames and the Oilers must be looked at as fertile grounds for 2 points.

Cullen may be back. Hopefully that helps. Bax is the man. Mikko is o-fer-April. Literally 0 points in 7 games so far in the month. -6, too. Parise only slightly better. These guys are on the top line. When the other lines run dry, we need our top line to produce. They need to produce. That's the whole story.

TDI 041413 Getting Ugly In Here

By NiNY

Here's tonight's TDI, and we're getting a little salty again.

Live Drunk Blog Wild vs. BJs

Wild Guest Color Commentator: Arnold Schwarzenegger

I HEAH ZAT ZEES BLUES TEAM EEZ SUPPOSED TO BE ZE VERY PHEEZYCAHL. I VILL BE ZE JAHGE, JOORY, AND ZE EXECUSHAHNATOR OF ZAT!

ZE CAST OF ZE PREDAHTOAH ALONE HAHZ MOAH MAHCLE MASS ZEN ZEEZ PUNY SAYNT LOOEECE BLOOOZ. AHND MISSOOURI? KROM LAUGHS AHT YOAH MISSOOURI. EET EZZ NO CAHLIFONIAH! AHND ZE BLOOZ CAHT PAHCEEABLY KNOW ZE MISERY UNTIL MAREEAH SCHRIVAH CAHTCHES YOU WITH YOUAH BANGMAID. YOU KNOW NAHSING OF ZE BLOOZ, BLOOOZ! DO YOU SEE VAT I DEED ZERE?

OK OK ZE GAYME. YAH OK. SO EEF I KNOW ANYSING ABOUT ZE VILD EETS ZAT ZEY MAHST BE POWERFUL ON ZE PAHCK. ZEY NEED TO HAVE MOAH STEECKS ON PAHCKS AND IN ZE LANES ZEN ZERE WERE DEECKS ON MAIDS DURING MY INAUGURAL GUBAHNAHTORIAL BANGMAID PAHTY, VHICH VENT TERRIBLY WRONG--FOAH ZE BANGMAIDS ZAT EEZ, NOHT US. VELL, I GUESS DANNY DEVITO SAID HEEZ BEEN TO BETTAH BANGMAID PAHTEEZ BAHT HE KNOWS NAHSING OF ZE MAIDS OAH ZE BANGING!

ZE VILD JUST HIT ZE PIPE. I HAHVN'T SEEN A PIPE JOB ZAT NAICE SINCE I TOLD BENNET, "LET AHFF SOME STEEEEAM, BENNET!" AHFTER I THSREW A GIAHNT PIPE AHT HEEZ SOLAR PLEXUS AND IT PAHNCTUAHED HEEZ SOLAR PLEXUS AND EET COMMENCED ZE LETTING AHFF OF ZE STEEEAM. JENNNYYYY AHND I HAD ZE PRETTY GOOD LAUGH AT ZAT ONE.

ZE ANTOHNY LAHPAHNTAH JUST SAID "PHEEZYCAHL." TAKE A DRINK, DO A SET AHV HERBIES, AND BANG A ZE MAID, BEETCHES.

ZEECE PAHREEZEE EEZ SMUAHL IN ZE STAHCTAH BAHT HE EEZ ZE MOAHST POWERFOOWEL ON ZE PAHCK ZAT I HAHVE SEEN EEN AHLL MY YEUHZ OF VIEWING ZE POWERFOOWELNESS.

ZE BLOOZ HAHVE SCOWAHED BY A MAHN NAMED POHLAHK. DESPITE HAILING FRAHM SUCH A VEAKER BY COMPARIASON CAUHNTRY OF POAHLAHND, HE EXHEEBITED POWERFOOWEL STEALTH. I SAHSPECT HEEM OF BEING IN CAHOOTS VITH ZE PREDAHTAH AHND WILL NOW HUHNT HEEM DOWN TO COLLECT HEEZ SKAHLL.

ZE VILD MAHST DO SOMSING TO GET BAHCK IN ZEECE GAYME. ZEY NEED TO SAY, "AHLL BE BAHCK!" AHND ZEN ZEY GET ZE STEECKS ON ZE PAHCKS AND IN ZE BANGMAIDS AHND ZEN ZEY VILL BE BAHCK LIKE ZEY SAID ZEY VOULD BE.

I VOULD LIKE ONE SUHMMER VITH ZE LEETLE JAHRED SPURGEON. I VOULD CRAHFT HEEM EENTO A FIVE-FOOOT-FOUAH SOLID STEEEL LIKENESS AHV MEEE.

EETZ LIKE ZE VILD HAVE DONE EVAHRYSING BAHT SCOWAH. EETZ LIKE ZEY VORK AHND VORK AHND VORK AHND ALL ZEY WANT EEZ ZE TURBO MAN AHCTION FIGUAH BAHT ZEY JAHST CAHNT GET ZE TURBO MAN AHCTION FIGUAH AHND ZEN BEFOAH ZEY KNOW EET ZEY AH DOING FEEILMS VITH ZAT WRETCHED TOM AHNOLD AND ZEN ZEY GET CAUGHT VITH ZEIR BANGMAID BY ZE FEROCIOUS MAHREEAH SCHRIVAH.

[Editor's note: the following is an excerpt from Governor Schwarzenegger's misconception of how exactly a hockey team scores a goal. At first, he was under the impression that being, ahem, "PHEEZYCAHL" was worth at least one goal.]

ZEECE ONE TIME AHT A MEESTAH UNIVERSE AHFTAPAHTY I VALKED EENTO ZE GREENROOM AHND PEECKED UP FIVE SCANTILY CLAHD GIRLS AHND CARRIED ZEM ON MY MAHSSIVE SHOULDAHS AHND VAS CARRYING ZEM TO MY DRESSING ROOM TO GEEVE ZEM ZE "RAW DEAL"--EEF YOU KNOW VAT I MEAN--BAHT BEFOAH I COOULD TOTAL RECALL AHLL OVER ZEM--HOLEE CRAHP ZE VILD SCOAHED!

ZEECE MICHAEL RUSSOAH HAZ VISDOM AHS VAHST AHS KROM'S. I SHALL LEESTEN AND CONTEMPLATE ZEECE ON ZE TREE OF WOE.

I'M SEECK OF ZEEZ REFS MISSING ZE HIGHSTEECKING CAHLLS ALL ZE TIME. ZEY NEED TO WEAR ZE PREDAHTAH'S HEAT VEESION VISOR BAHT SWEETCH ZE MODE TO PENAHLTIES SO ZAT ZEY CAHN SEE ZE PENALTIES.

ZAT VAS A VERY POWERLESS POWERPLAY. DOO YOU SEE VAT I DEEED ZERE?

VERE EEZ BOOOGAARD? VAT? OH, HEEZ DEAD? ZAT EEZ A SHAYME ZAT HE COULD NOT CAHME BACK FROM ZE DEATH, AS I HAHVE MANY TIMES AHS ZE TERMINATAH BECAHSE I SAID ZAT I VOULD BE BAHCK AHND ZEN I ALWAYS CAME BAHCK. BAHT ANYVAY, I VOULD HAHVE LIKED TO BATTLE ZEECE BOOOGAARD. ZOUGH NOT ON ZE SKATES. I ADMEET EET: I CAHNT SKATE. I CAN DRIVE ZE HARRIER JET AND CAHME BAHCK FROM ZE DEAD BUT I CAHNT SKATE. ZERE. I SAID IT. I FEEL ZE BETTER NAOW.

ZEECE EEZ REMINDING ME AHV ZE BLACKHAHWKS GAYME IN VHICH ZE VILD HAHZ MAYDE ONLY ONE MISTAYKE AHND ZEY PAY ZE AHLTIMATE PRICE. I HAHVE MAYDE ONLY ONE MISTAKE: "ZE BATMAN AND ZE ROBIN." AHND I ONLY DEED EET BECAHSE A BANGMAID THSREATENED TO TALK EEF I DEEDNT TAKE ZE ROLE OF MEESTAH FREEEEZ. UGH. I KNOW, RIGHT?

EEF I COULD SKATE AHND PLAY ZE HOCKEE I VOULD GO AROUND SLASHING EVARYONE AND SAY, "GET TO ZE CHOPPAH!"

STILL NO VILD GOALS AHFTER TWO PERIODS. ZEECE EEZ, AHS ZEY SAY, ZE BOOLSHEET.

HOLEE CRAHP I JAHST SAW ZE KEVIN GORG. I THSOUGHT ZE PREDAHTAH VAS WAN AHGLY MATHAHFAHKAH. VAT ZE HELL EEZ HE? NOW ZAT EEZ WAN AHGLY MATHAHFAHKAH.

ZEEZ BLOOZ AHRE MOAH AGGRESSIVE ON ZE FOAHCHECK ZEN JESSE ZE BODY VENTURAH AHFTER SNORTING LINES OF PREDAHTAH BLAHD.

I VOULD RATHER SHOOT MOAH PICK UP SCENES AHS ZE MEESTAH FREEEZ ZEN VATCH ZE BLOOOZ DESTORY ZE VILD AGAYN.

"STONER." NOW ZAT EEZ A FAHNNY NAYME. I USED TO GET STONED ALL OF ZE TIME VHEN I VAHS MEESTAH UNIVERSE AND BANGING ZE FLOOZIES AHND JINGAHLING ALL ZE VAY ALL OVER ZEM. GOOD TIMES, GOOD TIMES.

MAYKE ZAT TWO MISTAYKES. I'M SO DEPRESSED ZAT I MIGHT CAHLL ZE WRETCHED TOM AHNOLD TO CHEEAH MYSELF AHP.

ZEEZ FAHKING REFS HAHV VORSE WISION ZEN ZE TERROREESTS IN ZE COMAHNDO. I VAHNT TO PAUNCH ZEM LIKE ZEY AHRE HORSES AND/OAH CAMELS.

I VOULD RATHER VATCH DANNY DEVITO BANG A PASTRAHMI-COVERED BANGMAID ZEN VATCH ZEY BLOOZ VIN ZEECE GAYME.

ZEECE EEZ MOAH PAHTHETIC ZEN ZE LAHST AHCTION HERO. ZERE. I SAID IT. ZAT MOVIE SAHCKED.

ZE ONLY TEAMS ZAT GET SHUTOUT TWO GAYMES EEN A ROW ARE TERROREESTS WHO CAHME BAHCK FOR A SEQUEL.

EETS MY BREAD AHND ZE BUTTER BUT AHFTER ZEEZ TWO SHUTOUT GAYMES, I'M NAHT CONFIDENT ZAT... AHLL BE BAHCK. DO YOU SEE VAT I DEED ZERE?