Wild Guest Color Commentator: Arnold Schwarzenegger

I HEAH ZAT ZEES BLUES TEAM EEZ SUPPOSED TO BE ZE VERY PHEEZYCAHL. I VILL BE ZE JAHGE, JOORY, AND ZE EXECUSHAHNATOR OF ZAT!

ZE CAST OF ZE PREDAHTOAH ALONE HAHZ MOAH MAHCLE MASS ZEN ZEEZ PUNY SAYNT LOOEECE BLOOOZ. AHND MISSOOURI? KROM LAUGHS AHT YOAH MISSOOURI. EET EZZ NO CAHLIFONIAH! AHND ZE BLOOZ CAHT PAHCEEABLY KNOW ZE MISERY UNTIL MAREEAH SCHRIVAH CAHTCHES YOU WITH YOUAH BANGMAID. YOU KNOW NAHSING OF ZE BLOOZ, BLOOOZ! DO YOU SEE VAT I DEED ZERE?

OK OK ZE GAYME. YAH OK. SO EEF I KNOW ANYSING ABOUT ZE VILD EETS ZAT ZEY MAHST BE POWERFUL ON ZE PAHCK. ZEY NEED TO HAVE MOAH STEECKS ON PAHCKS AND IN ZE LANES ZEN ZERE WERE DEECKS ON MAIDS DURING MY INAUGURAL GUBAHNAHTORIAL BANGMAID PAHTY, VHICH VENT TERRIBLY WRONG--FOAH ZE BANGMAIDS ZAT EEZ, NOHT US. VELL, I GUESS DANNY DEVITO SAID HEEZ BEEN TO BETTAH BANGMAID PAHTEEZ BAHT HE KNOWS NAHSING OF ZE MAIDS OAH ZE BANGING!

ZE VILD JUST HIT ZE PIPE. I HAHVN'T SEEN A PIPE JOB ZAT NAICE SINCE I TOLD BENNET, "LET AHFF SOME STEEEEAM, BENNET!" AHFTER I THSREW A GIAHNT PIPE AHT HEEZ SOLAR PLEXUS AND IT PAHNCTUAHED HEEZ SOLAR PLEXUS AND EET COMMENCED ZE LETTING AHFF OF ZE STEEEAM. JENNNYYYY AHND I HAD ZE PRETTY GOOD LAUGH AT ZAT ONE.

ZE ANTOHNY LAHPAHNTAH JUST SAID "PHEEZYCAHL." TAKE A DRINK, DO A SET AHV HERBIES, AND BANG A ZE MAID, BEETCHES.

ZEECE PAHREEZEE EEZ SMUAHL IN ZE STAHCTAH BAHT HE EEZ ZE MOAHST POWERFOOWEL ON ZE PAHCK ZAT I HAHVE SEEN EEN AHLL MY YEUHZ OF VIEWING ZE POWERFOOWELNESS.

ZE BLOOZ HAHVE SCOWAHED BY A MAHN NAMED POHLAHK. DESPITE HAILING FRAHM SUCH A VEAKER BY COMPARIASON CAUHNTRY OF POAHLAHND, HE EXHEEBITED POWERFOOWEL STEALTH. I SAHSPECT HEEM OF BEING IN CAHOOTS VITH ZE PREDAHTAH AHND WILL NOW HUHNT HEEM DOWN TO COLLECT HEEZ SKAHLL.

ZE VILD MAHST DO SOMSING TO GET BAHCK IN ZEECE GAYME. ZEY NEED TO SAY, "AHLL BE BAHCK!" AHND ZEN ZEY GET ZE STEECKS ON ZE PAHCKS AND IN ZE BANGMAIDS AHND ZEN ZEY VILL BE BAHCK LIKE ZEY SAID ZEY VOULD BE.

I VOULD LIKE ONE SUHMMER VITH ZE LEETLE JAHRED SPURGEON. I VOULD CRAHFT HEEM EENTO A FIVE-FOOOT-FOUAH SOLID STEEEL LIKENESS AHV MEEE.

EETZ LIKE ZE VILD HAVE DONE EVAHRYSING BAHT SCOWAH. EETZ LIKE ZEY VORK AHND VORK AHND VORK AHND ALL ZEY WANT EEZ ZE TURBO MAN AHCTION FIGUAH BAHT ZEY JAHST CAHNT GET ZE TURBO MAN AHCTION FIGUAH AHND ZEN BEFOAH ZEY KNOW EET ZEY AH DOING FEEILMS VITH ZAT WRETCHED TOM AHNOLD AND ZEN ZEY GET CAUGHT VITH ZEIR BANGMAID BY ZE FEROCIOUS MAHREEAH SCHRIVAH.

[Editor's note: the following is an excerpt from Governor Schwarzenegger's misconception of how exactly a hockey team scores a goal. At first, he was under the impression that being, ahem, "PHEEZYCAHL" was worth at least one goal.]

ZEECE ONE TIME AHT A MEESTAH UNIVERSE AHFTAPAHTY I VALKED EENTO ZE GREENROOM AHND PEECKED UP FIVE SCANTILY CLAHD GIRLS AHND CARRIED ZEM ON MY MAHSSIVE SHOULDAHS AHND VAS CARRYING ZEM TO MY DRESSING ROOM TO GEEVE ZEM ZE "RAW DEAL"--EEF YOU KNOW VAT I MEAN--BAHT BEFOAH I COOULD TOTAL RECALL AHLL OVER ZEM--HOLEE CRAHP ZE VILD SCOAHED!

ZEECE MICHAEL RUSSOAH HAZ VISDOM AHS VAHST AHS KROM'S. I SHALL LEESTEN AND CONTEMPLATE ZEECE ON ZE TREE OF WOE.

I'M SEECK OF ZEEZ REFS MISSING ZE HIGHSTEECKING CAHLLS ALL ZE TIME. ZEY NEED TO WEAR ZE PREDAHTAH'S HEAT VEESION VISOR BAHT SWEETCH ZE MODE TO PENAHLTIES SO ZAT ZEY CAHN SEE ZE PENALTIES.

ZAT VAS A VERY POWERLESS POWERPLAY. DOO YOU SEE VAT I DEEED ZERE?

VERE EEZ BOOOGAARD? VAT? OH, HEEZ DEAD? ZAT EEZ A SHAYME ZAT HE COULD NOT CAHME BACK FROM ZE DEATH, AS I HAHVE MANY TIMES AHS ZE TERMINATAH BECAHSE I SAID ZAT I VOULD BE BAHCK AHND ZEN I ALWAYS CAME BAHCK. BAHT ANYVAY, I VOULD HAHVE LIKED TO BATTLE ZEECE BOOOGAARD. ZOUGH NOT ON ZE SKATES. I ADMEET EET: I CAHNT SKATE. I CAN DRIVE ZE HARRIER JET AND CAHME BAHCK FROM ZE DEAD BUT I CAHNT SKATE. ZERE. I SAID IT. I FEEL ZE BETTER NAOW.

ZEECE EEZ REMINDING ME AHV ZE BLACKHAHWKS GAYME IN VHICH ZE VILD HAHZ MAYDE ONLY ONE MISTAYKE AHND ZEY PAY ZE AHLTIMATE PRICE. I HAHVE MAYDE ONLY ONE MISTAKE: "ZE BATMAN AND ZE ROBIN." AHND I ONLY DEED EET BECAHSE A BANGMAID THSREATENED TO TALK EEF I DEEDNT TAKE ZE ROLE OF MEESTAH FREEEEZ. UGH. I KNOW, RIGHT?

EEF I COULD SKATE AHND PLAY ZE HOCKEE I VOULD GO AROUND SLASHING EVARYONE AND SAY, "GET TO ZE CHOPPAH!"

STILL NO VILD GOALS AHFTER TWO PERIODS. ZEECE EEZ, AHS ZEY SAY, ZE BOOLSHEET.

HOLEE CRAHP I JAHST SAW ZE KEVIN GORG. I THSOUGHT ZE PREDAHTAH VAS WAN AHGLY MATHAHFAHKAH. VAT ZE HELL EEZ HE? NOW ZAT EEZ WAN AHGLY MATHAHFAHKAH.

ZEEZ BLOOZ AHRE MOAH AGGRESSIVE ON ZE FOAHCHECK ZEN JESSE ZE BODY VENTURAH AHFTER SNORTING LINES OF PREDAHTAH BLAHD.

I VOULD RATHER SHOOT MOAH PICK UP SCENES AHS ZE MEESTAH FREEEZ ZEN VATCH ZE BLOOOZ DESTORY ZE VILD AGAYN.

"STONER." NOW ZAT EEZ A FAHNNY NAYME. I USED TO GET STONED ALL OF ZE TIME VHEN I VAHS MEESTAH UNIVERSE AND BANGING ZE FLOOZIES AHND JINGAHLING ALL ZE VAY ALL OVER ZEM. GOOD TIMES, GOOD TIMES.

MAYKE ZAT TWO MISTAYKES. I'M SO DEPRESSED ZAT I MIGHT CAHLL ZE WRETCHED TOM AHNOLD TO CHEEAH MYSELF AHP.

ZEEZ FAHKING REFS HAHV VORSE WISION ZEN ZE TERROREESTS IN ZE COMAHNDO. I VAHNT TO PAUNCH ZEM LIKE ZEY AHRE HORSES AND/OAH CAMELS.

I VOULD RATHER VATCH DANNY DEVITO BANG A PASTRAHMI-COVERED BANGMAID ZEN VATCH ZEY BLOOZ VIN ZEECE GAYME.

ZEECE EEZ MOAH PAHTHETIC ZEN ZE LAHST AHCTION HERO. ZERE. I SAID IT. ZAT MOVIE SAHCKED.

ZE ONLY TEAMS ZAT GET SHUTOUT TWO GAYMES EEN A ROW ARE TERROREESTS WHO CAHME BAHCK FOR A SEQUEL.

EETS MY BREAD AHND ZE BUTTER BUT AHFTER ZEEZ TWO SHUTOUT GAYMES, I'M NAHT CONFIDENT ZAT... AHLL BE BAHCK. DO YOU SEE VAT I DEED ZERE?